my most candid thoughts on career & the future
So its the last month of the year…and as I mentioned here, it’s the season of reflections. For me, it’s also a natural time to reflect on my career and my full time experience so far (in January 2021 it will be a year and a half at my current position), especially as I had recently completed my self assessment for year-end performance reviews. Anyhow, with that said, these are some honest thoughts I’d like to share.
Looking back at my “Soaring 20s” and plan for the new decade and new year I set forth in this post around a year ago, it’s been, well, underwhelming. First, let me say, yeah I know we are in a pandemic, economic downturn, and just a period of much uncertainty and volatility that no one could’ve really been able to predict coming in this year. And so I get it I’m not the only one with plans disrupted and lives changed. And I am grateful the impact the pandemic on me has definitely not been as drastic as what it has been on many others. As such, I have been trying to give myself some grace, and to get myself to work on other aspects of things that I can take advantage of during these times (i.e., improving mental health, slowing down on things, focusing more on self-love and self-confidence (i.e., “the feelings stuff”), etc.). And to tell myself that it is okay not having to be “busy” and motivated all the time, that this year is more of a rest stop on the long journey ahead.
With that said, however, while I am trying to be more comfortable with not having to be “always on” and “busy”, know that not being “always on” is not the same as settling for less and free-riding - not working hard - as there’s no such thing as free lunch. There’s always some effort and work one has to put in to realize the returns. And this brings to my thoughts on my career development so far. As mentioned earlier I’ve been in my current position as a Model Risk Associate at a top ten bank in the US for almost a year and a half. There’s nothing anomalous with my career trajectory as of now. For reference, the average tenure for those who have been in my role in the past is 1-3 years, so I’m currently on-track, and it’s not my main concern right now. Especially since I really enjoy the work and appreciate my team. It’s a very nice first job type of position…providing me with exposure to various different areas in a Bank…as well as being able to work with incredibly qualified, intelligent, and supportive colleagues. I emphasize the last in particular as it’s so very nice be able to just ask questions and learn on the job. And I am incredibly grateful for that. (As you will see there’ll be a lot of gratefulness in this post.)
I mentioned that the average tenure for those who came before me to be 1-3 years because many of them leverage this position to go on to pursue further education. Of course there have also been some who went onto stay in the private sector (another perk of the type of work with the flexibility), but with the amount of learning that has happens in this work, many end up wanting to fill those gaps for the future. And education is an effective way to do so.
Similarly, that is a path I have been thinking about. Well, actually been thinking / mulling over since day 1 of the job. And a year ago, it seemed that “I had time” to think things through - to learn, grow, and immerse myself on the team. Fast forward to now, never would I have thought how quickly the time has gone by, I consider myself much more immersed on the team, but am still very much clueless with what I want to do. And I ask myself, where has all the time gone?
“what I am struggling with right now is more of letting down on those that have helped and supported me - my past professors, mentors, my alma mater, my colleagues, my references/recommenders…and myself.”
Part of this process included looking at some research opportunities to pursue as an intermediary between this role & potential grad school in the future. And from my initial impressions and conversations with relevant colleagues, it was encouraging. Promising and motivating as something I could pursue. Particularly as several on the team had similar experiences during their own careers, so it was easy to relate. And so cleaned up my resume, brushed up some cover letters and other materials, and off I went with some of those applications.
After a couple months, it’s been a string of rejections.
While this is a different situation versus back when I was looking for a job senior year in that I am still working and gaining potential experience everyday as I look for opportunities (and am grateful for this), this process has also illuminated some gaps about my resume/experiences thus far. And these gaps have been a source of de-motivation and hit to my self-esteem.
For instance, as I prepared for my submissions, one such submission was my undergrad senior thesis. For those interested, I did my senior thesis on my university’s Housing selection/assignment and examined the process through an economics (market design) perspective. See the attached for the paper.
I definitely gained new experience and insights into the topic - I was able to present my findings to Housing Services staff - as well as shed light into the research process and apply to my current role. I was also able to get some real-world data cleaning into practice. Additionally, as I had been involved in Residence Life for all four years, the “thesis” served as a nice closure for me. However, as hindsight is 2020, as I was looking back at the report, I couldn’t help but note various gaps. Especially while having seen what some others have done, as well as having published professional-level reports in my current job. And while I did clean up some of the gaps, it clearly wasn’t enough. (I also don’t know the real reasons for rejection…so there could very much be other gaps in my application that didn’t meet the expectations. So this is all speculative of why I think my applications were rejected.) However, a gap is a gap. It doesn’t hurt to recognize them for future improvement. And I guess one could say a silver-lining of this whole experience is that I at least recognize my weaknesses.
However, what I am struggling with right now is more of letting down on those that have helped and supported me - my past professors, mentors, my alma mater, my colleagues, my references/recommenders…and myself. That on the surface with my resume, it seems that with these rejections and my overlooking of those identified gaps, I have fallen short of expectations…that I am not enough.
I’ve been mulling over this for awhile as I haven’t been sure how to put this into words, particularly as topics like these and mental health awareness still seem to be a difficult subject to bring up, and particularly in economics/finance (nothing against the industry, just an area of improvement!). But I share now, a year later as I’m feeling more confident and immersed in my role. And hopefully by sharing and opening up about my thoughts, it would help spark the conversation and shed light on for others to follow.
Looking ahead, I do have some goals and action plans in mind, and do seek to continue from where I started, hoping to use this year’s “detour” as momentum for a better 2021 and future.
Best,
Eric
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