Major milestones and reflections
…yet another month has gone by in this crazy year. Nearing the homestretch, with the “holiday season” coming up. Of course, winter is also just around the corner…and I can’t help but feel both optimistic and pessimistic at the same time for the coming months. Will this purported “third wave” of coronavirus close this down again, or will things pitter out. Then again, the next two months is trivial compared to what could happen in three days…
I’m writing here because with everything going on, and the next couple of days potentially the “calm before the impending storm,” it feels like a nice spot to reflect on some of the highlights & positive things that have been on my mind for awhile. Especially since today also marks exactly one-year of my “Biggest Fears” video. To this day I would consider it one of my best videos. (See the follow-up video where I shared my own biggest fear) In fact, I believe it was the first major video (based on the significant amount of effort I had put in) I made that basically inspired and motivated my future videos. (Right after the publishing of this one and receiving encouragement from the original inspiration of the BigTalk style videos, I had started filming/interviewing the next one, my very first cafe spotlight of La Prima Espresso….another of my favorite videos as well).
Here’s what I (2020 Eric) would like to share looking back at what the participants shared (extremely grateful for their vulnerability!) and reflecting on what 2019 Eric had shared of my own biggest fear:
While I’d say overthinking and the fear of “thinking too little” has not magically disappeared, I’ve been able to find ways to alleviate & manage that fear.
Specifically……ballroom dancing.
I shared a picture in my first ballroom blog post comparing the Standard/Smooth vs Latin/Rhythm personalities of Eric. This is v2.0, the three (and more) personalities of Eric while still staying balanced. Gotta have both a right and left New Yorker :P
For those who don’t know, I started ballroom dancing early this year just before the lockdowns started. See this post from earlier this year for more. In that post, I described some of the physical (i.e., body coordination, not confusing “left” and “right”, learning the figures, etc.) and mental (i.e., self-confidence, finding a balance between desire for dance vs romantic partner, etc.) hurdles I went through both on and off the dancefloor. Yes, back when I was still in the office I vividly remember tapping out cha-cha chasse (4&1) beneath my desk while I reviewing input data checks or assessing conceptual soundness of a model. And if anyone from work is reading this, no worries I was practicing my body isolation - my mind was completely focused on the task at hand while my feet was doing its jazz 😂
In fact, it may have even helped with my career development and a better / more productive junior validator as a result of being more confident both at work and also with my own planning for the future. And I like to think that my dancing and stage fright also improved with the opportunities to dance in various virtual events.
I share this because after 278 days of joining the dance community (and feeling more like a dancer), I just sent out my first set of videos for my second (first virtual) competition. For sure I am still very much a beginner and my core / abs very much nonexistent at times, but the community has been nothing short of encouragement. And also diversity of experiences. There are some who started right at year 1 of their undergrad careers, some with prior dance experience pre-college, and some like me started after undergrad at a time where many of the developed undergrad dancers were thinking of “retirement”…..it just makes that experience sooo much more reassuring & validating that I could have a place as a dancer.
Additionally, given I’m in a much better place than early this year, I’d like to make a confession:
Part of what was the tipping point of my self-confidence struggles early this year was my misunderstanding of the balance between my romantic desires and platonic (dance) desires for a partner. I joined ballroom initially to find something to do and a way to meet people, but secretly I had a shadow intention to maybe get a girlfriend. And low and behold, just couple lessons in I started to have a crush on someone. Of course, nothing happened (hence why I’m still single today), but the overthinking, self-doubt, and just my general inability to hide my feelings in front of her quickly emerged. And her ultimate rejection sat with me for awhile…..and nearly almost thought about quitting.
My first ever “private” dance lesson recently….even if just a 15-minute sampler….will not be my last
Fast forward to now, I have not quit (…..yet lol). But that experience served as a wake-up call for me to find my own grounding first. I know it’s a cliche, but you have to be able to love yourself first before you can love someone else. And while that is still not necessarily easy today, I guess sometimes you just have to think less and enjoy the music and dance (literally and figuratively).
Anyhow, that was the biggest “juice” of this post (me having a failed crush at the start of ballroom dancing is out now). Regarding some other milestones and anniversaries:
In addition to the 1-year for my video, today is actually my parents’ 25th anniversary. Pretty crazy to think, quarter of a century being married since they met while in undergrad. Yay, go love!
For those who’ve been following my Instagram, I’ve been doing a #dancetober reel series where I dance everyday this month. While at this moment of doing this post I’m still deciding what I want to do for today #day31 (some ideas I got for today was something Halloween themed, a Standard/Smooth ballroom dance, WAP, etc., of which the first one seems most likely…), it’s been a nice way to keep me going and creative this month :)
To close out on an optimistic note, TL;DR, I know this year has not been the most conventional year (to put it nicely). And that my sharing of this post indicates I clearly have been very privileged in many respects, especially compared with the 230K+ people dying and businesses suffering right this moment. But, as echoed in this post, it’s okay to take care of yourself first. You can only help and care for others most effectively when you are in the right place yourself. But regardless, I just wanted to say that even though we joke about not being able to do things this year & that we should “redo 2020", want to highlight that within the dark there’s always light and hope and positivity.
Please, stay well and have a safe and happy Halloween!
Best,
Eric